I took more time away from this space than I’d meant to… our trip to the ER butted right up against a major thesis deadline, though I’m now 2/3 of the way through a draft (whoa), and the first rejection letter from PhD programs.

Getting a rejection letter, being busy what feels like all the time, and getting exhausted just from thinking made me start to reevaluate some of my priorities, what I’m doing, and what I want to be doing.  Maybe we never get over feeling like the person we are and the person we want to be are two different people in two different places?  I remember my mom once saying that the “I’m too young for this”-feeling actually never really goes away– you never feel ready.

Anyway, there was a brief period of time (like, maybe 18 months ago?) when I could feel the calm just around the corner– like I was going to catch up with the person I wanted to be…  I don’t feel that any more.  My goals sometimes feel like they’re in opposition to each other: PhD v. a quiet life, ambition v. withdrawl, city life v. rural life, a “real” job v. a low-stress job.  Plus, I suddenly feel like I’ve got to make these choices soon.

I’ve got no clue what my life will look like after May 15, 2009.  None.  And while I was happily going along feeling like that was fine, I’d FOR SURE get into a PhD program and put off making a lot of those choices for a long time, now I’m not so sure.  I mean, shesh that is soon!

Right, so maybe this is a sign that a) I need to keep up going to the gym (it does wonders for keeping the crazy-worry in check) and b) more embroidery is needed– it also keeps me calm, and adding some awesome to napkins goes awfuly quick.